I’m in a relationship where I feel so ugly and unwanted. I guess this is what we experience when we cling to love, enduring things that leave us feeling hollow and undesired. This feeling is so intense that it makes me physically sick, driving me to stay in bed and cry all day. It’s excruciating. Every song seems like a knife to my heart, and despite all my efforts to help myself—with self-help books, podcasts, and reading the Bible—I can’t seem to ease the pain inside.

I feel unwanted and undesirable, like I’m invisible. I feel taken for granted, yet there’s a part of me that believes I don’t deserve love, even though it still hurts deeply. I feel so small. I’m contemplating changing myself, hoping it will help me stop caring and loving. I want to distance myself and focus on self-improvement. I want to be strong, but no one seems to understand my struggle. I feel so unattractive. I loathe looking in the mirror, wearing fitted clothes, seeing my eyes and face. I feel truly ugly. I have no one to confide in, and I miss my friends dearly.

What breaks my heart even more is that during these moments of deep despair, I have no one to turn to except my journal. I have no family to support me, no one at all. I’m burdened with obligations I can’t ignore, which makes me even more miserable. I wish I had grown up without trauma, with a family that loved me more, so I wouldn’t settle for this pain. I wish I could stop seeking comfort from those who hurt me just because they are the only ones present.

Sometimes, I feel like I can never pursue what I truly love because I’m always trying to please others, always looking out for their well-being at the expense of my own. When will I be free from this agony? When will I finally feel wanted, loved, and whole?

I wonder when this will end.