I remember everything clearly—the good and the bad. So please bear with me when I always go back to the time we first met, because I’d rather remember those days than the times when I never felt truly happy.

It was a cold day, and the world had stopped. For the past two years, everything had changed, and everyone was wondering how they would live and what would come next. It was all chaos, and then you came. Because the world had stopped, I met you, and you changed my life forever.

I remember feeling so excited, but trying not to make it obvious, waiting for your texts, waiting for you to send me something—a photo of random things or a selfie before you went to work.

I remember the first time I heard your songs and the first time we met. I was so plain and simple, wearing my crocs and a white shirt. I thought to myself, “It’s nothing serious, and he doesn’t want to be with me anyway, so I don’t care.” We went to get food, then coffee, and talked about stupid things. I was ready to be just a long-time friend, but I couldn’t help it.

I remember trying to fight it because I knew you deserved so much more, but that just caused us so much confusion. I was really confused. On our second date, I was ready to be open and pour my heart out until I saw a name on your car. I thought to myself, “I was so stupid to believe that you liked me too.” I was so frustrated, and I couldn’t be angry at you, so I was more angry at myself. What was I even thinking, going on a second date with a guy who would never be mine?

Then we tried to end it, and all of a sudden, I felt empty. I really liked the pain, so I took one last shot and said I was sorry for feeling that way. I’m sorry that I got scared because I felt like you were playing me. And then it happened. I wish you hadn’t replied.

It was a cold January morning. I was working late, and you had just gotten off work. We decided to see each other outside our village, at the gates. It felt like I was a prisoner finally being released. And then you were there, and when your lips touched mine, I didn’t even know where I was. I was drugged, and up until this day, I am addicted to it.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me because the more you hurt me, the more I love you.

You’re like my alcohol. I know you’re bad for me, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It tastes so good. It feels like it’s so good for me.

You make me feel something. I remember everything. I remember everything oh so clearly.